Since this blog is aiming to be about God, I thought it would be fitting to make my first post about my salvation. It's always a fun interesting question to ask people. "How did you come to Christ?" My story, to me, seems to be a common road that God can use to lead people to Himself through Christ. I hope that my story can not only enable rejoicing, but also glory to God for His immeasurable grace and mercy!
Ah yes... Every Christian's favorite thing to do is talk about their past. Who they were before they were brought out of darkness and into the light. While my past isn't as depraved as it could have been, it still can lead to feelings of regret and shame.
In middle school and high school I was what I am going to call a "typical" teenage boy. I was heavily addicted to video games, but would never call it that at the time. I was enslaved to pornography, much like many of my peers. And I struggled with anxious thoughts. Now, while I didn't do drugs, drink alcohol, or get into fights, the sins that I was enslaved to were no less damaging. I can still feel my past sins ripple through my life even now. Nevertheless, they made me who I am today. I've dealt with a lot of them and have completely overcame most of them, by God's grace!
A normal day for me back then involved me going to school from 8am to 3pm. School was never really hard for me. I was a straight B student. If I had actually tried and applied myself I could have gotten the A's that are so sought after. After school I'd get home and then it was video game time! No time for small talk with my family, no time for eating with my family, I needed to play my video games! I mean, all my friends were gonna be online so I needed to because I didn't want to miss out on anything! I'd play video games for 6-7 hours a day, eat food in my room while I played video games, and then go to bed. I would then do my homework the day it was due and rush through it. Take this general idea of my day, rinse and repeat, and you have my entire life from 6th grade to 12th grade!
During this whole time my mom, my sister, and I attended the church of my sister's then boyfriend, now husband (my mom would pretty much just drag me there, I had no desire to be there). It was a Southern Baptist church with a great pastor who can preach on one verse for 3 weeks and not grow tired. And I would just sit there and let all the words fall off of me, and even just fall asleep! Oh how I took his great preaching for granted.
As I moved away for college (only 2.5 hours away) I knew that I needed to find a church for my mom to be happy. So I did. And I actually brought myself to church by myself! It was mostly to please my mom, but it felt good to take the initiative! I would read my Bible everyday, and it would just bounce off of me. I was more looking to just say that I've read the Bible rather than actually retain anything useful. And this was what I did all throughout my freshman year of college! And at this time I was very desperate for a girlfriend. Can you believe that? And it's through this misplaced desire that God broke through to me!
Cut to my sophomore year, I was an RA for the college. And it was through this gig that I met a girl who I was really interested in. And then I started to slip into idolatry. She was all I thought about. I conformed my life to whatever she liked and I stretched myself and wore myself out. She wanted a guy who loved Jesus so guess what, I was gonna love Jesus. I started reading my Bible more, making cleaner jokes, and changing literally everything about how I carried myself just to please this woman. And for a whole month we were on the edge of being boyfriend and girlfriend. And she held me at arms length. Pulling me in, pushing me away, and I was so zealous to get a girlfriend that I didn't care that I was putting myself through physical and mental strife.
For the entire month that I was pursuing her I don't think there wasn't a morning where I didn't throw up in the shower. My anxiety was so high, thinking that she was going to drop me like a bad habit at any second. It was such a low point in my life, but it was going to get lower. She eventually said she wasn't interested and didn't want to pursue anything with me. And then that's where I broke. I remember calling my mom on the phone, throwing up from the nerves, and crying my eyes out. My whole life had been taken away from me in 5 minutes.
This led to a month full of depression and late night calls with my mom, usually with me crying. These phone calls would last at least an hour and my mom would endlessly preach God's truth to me! She helped me realize that this girl didn't make me sad, it was my own sin. She pointed out that Christ can take on my burdens and lift this weight off. And I distinctly remember my mom telling me, at a point where I was just so depressed, "you just gotta get on your knees and go to the throne." And little did I know, that was the point in my life where my desires would start to change and I would taste and see the beauty of Jesus!
After I was saved, things were still bumpy, but I now had something that I never really had in my life. And that was hope! I could face my struggles with a hope and a joy that I'm not defined by my sin! God really took my heart captive! And then I took a deep dive into theology! And that started with R.C. Sproul's book Chosen by God. It got me into theology and the study of God and ever since then I have grown a lot, learned a lot, failed a lot, and seen God's grace through it all!
And to put the cherry on top of all of this, God gave me a beautiful woman named Anna in my life! My girlfriend Anna has greatly influenced my life in so many positive ways! I've experienced growth and joy that I never thought I could experience! And while our relationship is flawed, just like everyone else's, we both love each other but most importantly love Jesus! And we look to Him for satisfaction and joy!
As far as sins go. I still struggle heavily with anxiety. It is my biggest hurdle in this life. It's for sure a daily fight, but it's a fight I can win, through the power of the gospel! Christ has equipped me to repent and seek God's free gift of justification! And it's the hope of the gospel that keeps pushing me forward! It keeps me going, growing, and glorifying my Lord, Jesus!
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. - Galatians 2:20